I am thinking of inviting all the ladies at my church to a bridal shower. There will be approximately 30 to 40 invited, and possibly up to 20 will attend. We are a small church (approximately 100 each Sunday) and the groom has been attending all of his life (30 years). His fiancée is new to the church and has attended for only a few months. We don’t have a fellowship hall so I’m planning to have the shower at the clubhouse where I live. The couple is concerned about having a bridal shower for these women, most of whom will not be invited to the wedding because of the reception cost and space issues at the church. Is it proper for me to host a shower for the couple and invite these ladies, knowing that they won’t be included on the wedding guest list?

Anonymous,

California

You are so kind to want to host a shower for this bride and introduce her to the women of your church. However, the bride and groom do have an excellent point about inviting guests to a shower, but not to their wedding. Generally, shower guests are also wedding guests.

There are exceptions, like when a bride’s co-workers throw a shower for her even when they know they won’t be invited to the wedding. Your scenario is not a viable exception though, primarily because many of the guests have not yet met the honoree. Since the purpose of a shower is to give gifts, your guests would be put in the awkward position of having to give a gift to someone they do not know. In addition, an invitation to a shower could send mixed signals and seem like a prelude to a subsequent wedding invitation — one that won’t be forthcoming. This could result in hurt feelings, just when the bride is trying to establish good relations with the members of her fiancé’s church. All is not lost! You can still fulfill your original intention by shifting the focus of the get-together. Instead of a shower, you could host a party in honor of the new member of the church family. While you could have the party before the wedding, I suggest that you host it a short time after their wedding day. This way, party guests will not confuse “partying in honor of …” with a lead-in to a wedding invitation.

Bottom line: Stick with your considerate plan to extend a warm welcome to this bride. Just do it in a way that will accomplish your goal of making introductions without offending the people you invite.

Source: NY Times