Last fall I received a save-the-date card for a wedding of a friend’s daughter. The event was to be held in another state where the daughter now lives.  A few months later I asked my friend, who I now see only occasionally, how the wedding plans were coming along.  She told me the couple had changed their minds and were going to have an intimate destination wedding.  I did not receive a new save-the-date card from the couple for that event.  What is the etiquette for giving a gift, or not, when it comes to families who have known each other when all the children were growing up, if you are not invited to the wedding?  

Anonymous

How fortunate that you followed up with your friend. Since you received a save-the-date card, you were right to think that a wedding invitation would follow, but it seems this couple got the cart before the horse and sent out save-the-date cards before their plans were set. Or, something unforeseen, such as a cancellation by the reception site, meant creating a Plan B. Whatever the reason, it was remiss of this couple or the wedding hosts not to write or call their original guests and let them know about the change of plans right away. Technically, you are not invited to the wedding, so you do not need to send a gift.

But in your case, I suggest giving one anyway. It’s never wrong to send a gift to a couple you know, all in the spirit of wishing them well and especially because you have known this bride since she was a child. And had plans not changed so dramatically, you would have been a wedding guest. Your gift would graciously indicate that you harbor no hard feelings about not receiving an invitation to this small destination wedding. You will probably feel good about sending a wedding gift, even though it’s optional.

Source: NY Times